Beware of the Vampire

We have all come across a vampire sometime or another in our lives. Now I'm not talking about the long toothed, blood sucking monsters you see in movies. These only live in the realms of our imagination.

No the ones I mean are not undead, although they are the sort of monsters that suck the life out of you. They will use you and manipulate you and play on your guilt, leaving you feeling emotionally exhausted. They may come across as vulnerable, almost childlike and very, very needy. You almost feel obliged to help them. But they know full well that they are using and abusing people to get what they want.

Now, I wouldn't advocate going around chopping heads and stuffing them with garlic (although this can be a very tempting option when you are at the end of your tether with these people). But a simple and effective NO is the only answer. They may not want to listen to this, and will probably sulk and play on your emotions again. In this case, you may need to use stronger language. 'Fuck off' is perfectly acceptable in this case. Or any other profanity that you choose to make sure that the vampire gets the message. Then blank them out of your life completely. 

Incidentally, I am not talking about children, even though they can sometimes be exasperating. These vampires are fully fledged adults, although their behaviour might indicate otherwise.The media portrays talentless celebrities as role models for the rest of us mere mortals and this leads to a society that promotes selfishness and a ME! ME! ME! attitude to life. This has increased vampirism to the extent that it has now become an epidemic. Don't get sucked in by the bullshit,

The best response for when they start laying on the guilt trip.

OMG!!! Lady Gaga has got stretch marks!!!

This was more or less one of the headline stories in the entertainment section of the Daily Mail. Actually, this is exactly how it read, and the top photo was a close up of Gaga's cleavage and said stretch marks.

Big deal, you would think. A woman has stretch marks....she just happens to be a pop star. But there is still a lot of ignorance regarding women's bodies. The comments on the article are an example of this. Alex from Glasgow says; 'Genuine question - What causes stretch marks like that on breasts? I've never seen that before!' He might think that's a genuine question, but a woman reading that who hasn't got a 'perfect' body like you see on airbrushed magazine photos would probably feel like she's some sort of circus freak.

Britgirl from LaLa Land (the best location for her) says; 'AWFUL stretch marks on first picture'. Note the caps lock on the word 'awful'. And GillianB from Omaha shows the same level of ignorance: 'In the first picture it looks like she's aged significantly , That hair cut is not doing her any justice , and what's up with the stretch marks on her boobs ? Her personal style just keeps getting worse and worse'.

With attitudes like that no wonder so many of us have hang ups about our bodies! Instead of thinking of our scars as a proud mark of being survivors, of having had children, or signs of having achieved an amazing weightloss, we are ashamed of them. Which brings me to a recent article on the BBC website with some women's personal stories. 

"After I gave birth I was shocked. And horrified. I had never seen an after-pregnancy belly with stretch marks and sags exposed. At all. I hadn't heard about it. I didn't even know that it existed. The worst part is that I get disapproval from women the most. My mom says I can always get a tummy tuck. My friend said I looked that way because I gained too much weight when I was pregnant and that the fat, not the baby stretched me out. Another told me I hadn't used enough cocoa butter on my belly. My teenage daughter laughs at it. Most of these reactions suggest that either I am at fault, ugly or very unfortunate. That it is something that needs to be fixed. It would be nice, after all these years, to be able to accept my own different, scarred body. It would be nicer if others were able to accept too". Yvanna Sherman, Philadelphia, US

"I'm slim, but my tummy, at 54, and after two children, looks a bit like the top picture. No it's not beautiful! But am I having sleepless nights about it, or insisting it's photographed, or that someone tells me it's "beautiful"? No. Some women's tummies are still beautiful after childbirth. Actresses, models... those who have the motivation to work sufficiently hard afterwards to restore their figures are the proof that it can be done. Most women's tummies after childbirth aren't, and that is due to lack of exercise or a lack of hard physical work, and diet - simple as that. The majority of us live unnatural lives - if we were all labouring on the land for our food and sustenance, there'd be no more squidgy tummies. I do think people are missing the point here - surely the point is not to worry whether we look "beautiful" or not - there are other things by which we can be valued! And to try to insist that we all say wrinkly loose skin is "beautiful" when it's really not is patronising!" Debbie Took

Even at 54, Debbie is still being influenced by celebrity bodies. I'm not sure if these actresses and models have the motivation, what I do know is that they can afford plastic surgery, personal trainers, and usually employ nannies, housekeepers, etc. And then there's always good old photoshop. 

Unfortunately, I can totally relate to these experiences. I had my daughter at 16. I was a single teenage mum, and nobody had ever mentioned stretch marks. Back in the late 70s, it wasn't a topic discussed in magazines, or between women. At 16, I was totally unprepared for the changes in my body, and it was bad enough being considered 'damaged goods' by my parents because of being single. When I first saw my stretch marks, it really emphasized that I was damaged goods. Not only were they a punishment for being an unwed mother, but no man would ever find me attractive again. I felt I was destined to remain single all my life, and did not have a proper relationship until I was pushing 30. Even then, the first few times we made love, it was always in the dark. I only started letting my barriers down when we moved in together, and even then, the scars were always at the back of my mind. 

And so they remained until I started bellydancing a few years ago, and realized that other women had the same scars and weren't afraid to flaunt them. Their confidence inspired me.

Not all the stories on the BBC article are so negative though; some of the women discuss how the changes in their body have empowered them:

"After three children I realised the elasticity in my stomach skin just wasn't coming back. The thing is that I'm a karate instructor and people are astonished that when I tense my stomach my abs are rock hard. They're just under my skin! What saddens me are friends of mine who are mothers and are trying to diet away their baby sag. It's not fat, it's a natural sign of what your body has done." Alison Thompson, Rossett, Wales

"My body changed drastically from pregnancy. My once-taut stomach now sags a little with stretched skin and that skin that was once soft and youthful is now permanently scarred. The young woman looking at herself in the mirror then (almost seven years ago) struggled to find beauty in those changes. Somehow over time, that has changed. Now, when I look in the mirror, I see a woman. A woman who has been lucky enough to be fruitful... to carry the life of a child. I see a woman with breasts and scars and hips and she's perfectly beautiful in the most imperfect way. Now, facing infertility due to a disease, I'm grateful for the scars and stretched skin... I'm grateful for that reminder every time I look in the mirror. I once had the honour of bearing a child in my womb... of growing that beautiful baby and keeping her healthy and giving birth to her. What blessing could top that? What scar could steal that joy?" Kait, Green Bay, US

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-23348110

These last two comments show us the attitudes that society needs to promote, not the negative stereotyping and ignorance demonstrated by the Daily Mail.

My ongoing saga with EDF Energy

I have dual fuel with EDF, and right now I have a massive problem with them which is spiralling out of control because of the sheer and utter incompetence of this company.

It all began after Xmas this year, when I received a huge bill for around £700, even though I had been making regular payments by direct debit. I cancelled the DD because the bill stated that they were going to be taking out the full amount....money I did not owe them and which I did not have in my bank account anyway!

I phoned up EDF who assured me it was an error and my account was in credit. So I thought no more of that and carried on making regular payments via online banking (I did not reinstate the DD,  and I'm glad I didn't now.

Forward on to April and I received another massive bill - queried it again, get told its an error blah blah blah. Thinking back, I should have asked them to put it in writing.

So....when I got another massive bill for around £800 in July - and again with none of my payments being taken into account, I had enough and decided to go to the Citizen's Advice Bureau, and that's when things took a turn for the worse. Fair play to the CAB, they are being marvellous, but there is only so much they can do as they are manned by volunteers and have limited opening hours.

The advisor from CAB phoned EDF on my behalf and requested a full statement on my account, taking into consideration meter readings and payments made. He also pointed out a number of discrepancies in the meter readings, and EDF actually asked me to read my meter every day for a week and send them the readings, which I did.

But....instead of sending me a statement as requested by CAB, the blundering idiots at EDF sent me a 'bill' for the past year for around £1,700 plus a load of incorrect meter readings and none of my payments included - of which I have proof via bank statements. Chap at CAB advises me it's time to make a formal complaint. That was 2 weeks ago.

On Monday I had a call from a company calling themselves Grosvenor Services calling on behalf of EDF about my debt of £1,700. I was absolutely fuming and told the woman that I did not owe this money and I was seeking advice from CAB about this disputed amount. Said extremely rude woman did not appear to listen to a word I said because she kept insisting it was a live debt and I needed to make a payment.....I had to put the phone down in despair.

This evening, I see someone park a black car outside my house and walk up my drive. A hand written envelope with my name and address gets shoved in my letterbox. It's from Grosvenor Services.....threatening to cut off my gas and electric and get a warrant so that they can gain access to my property and recover the money!!!!!!!

I am really really fed up of this whole thing. A few weeks ago I suffered a major breakdown and ended up having an emergency psychiatrist appointment. It has even got to the point where I have contemplated suicide a few times (and the thought has fleetingly crossed my mind today). The fuckwits at EDF are well aware that I am registered disabled because of mental health issues. But I can't let them do this to me or my family. That's the only thought that keeps me going because I'm getting sick and tired of this fight.

Oh well, it's time to start the legal action ball rolling....

No excuse for child abuse

Eddie Shah is a disgusting and vile excuse for a man for suggesting that under age girls are to blame for abuse if they consent. He was recently cleared of raping an underage girl between 12 and 15 in the 1990s, and is quoted in various newspapers today (11th August 2013) as saying in a BBC Radio 5 interview:

     "Rape was a technical thing - below a certain age. But these girls were going out with pop    groups and becoming groupies and throwing themselves at them. Young girls and young men have always wanted a bit of excitement. They want to appear adult and do adult things...If we're talking about girls who just go out and have a good time, then they are to blame. If we talk about people who go out and actually get 'raped' raped, then I feel no - and everything should be done against that."

WHAT THE HELL!!! An underage girl MAY APPEAR TO CONSENT TO SEX but that doesn't mean that an adult should take advantage of this.

For all they know, the child may have such a low self esteem that makes him or her feel totally worthless, and equates sex to love. Or could be under the influence of drink or drugs. Or have mental health issues. Or feel pressurised. Or feel in awe of an older person's celebrity status, and this celebrity happens to be a pervert. Or have been groomed by the pedo.

Even if the girl flings herself stark bollocks naked at the older person and begs for sex, if she is UNDERAGE, it is up to the adult to do the right thing and say NO. Sex with a child below the age of consent is STATUTORY RAPE.

Eddie Shah may have been cleared by the law of the accusations against him. According to the law, the offence of which he was accused of did not take place. However, his comments are absolutely revolting.

These come in the same week that the judge a similar trial, Nigel Peters QC, called the 13 victim in this other case a 'sexual predator', and described her as looking and acting older than her age. The child was playing truant from school, and approached Neil Wilson and asked him for cigarettes. He gave her a whole packet and then took her back to his flat for coffee. She was dressed in her school uniform, so it was obvious that she was still a child, even though she initiated sex. Wilson abused the child for 2 weeks, and he also kept calling her and sending her text messages.

The lawyer for the prosecution, Robert Colover, said during the trial that the sexual activity was 'not of Mr Wilson's doing', and 'you could say that it was forced upon him, despite being older and stronger than her'.

Despite being found guilty, the pervert, Neil Wilson, was only given an 8 month suspended sentence, even though sick images of child abuse AND bestiality were found at his home during a police search.

Mr Colover has now been barred from prosecuting any sex cases by the Crown Prosecution Service, and the Judge, Nigel Peters QC is also being investigated by the Office for Judicial Complaints.

The attitude of the judge and prosecutor in Neil Wilson's case makes me think that, if this is the sort of opinion that our judiciary share, it calls into question other cases in which the accused been acquitted.

Why is fat shaming still socially acceptable?

Trawling through this morning's online edition of the Daily Mail (aka Daily Fail) I came across two very different stories, both on the subject of weight - specifically women's weight.

The first one's headline is :

'You're fat... the ultimate insult: Making a jibe about appearance is more likely to offend than swearing or insulting race or religion'

The article features a photo of a woman taken from behind. This seems to be a habit with the press, and it always makes me wonder if these people have given their permission for their photographs to be used.

Some of the comments made by the readers demonstrate a level of ignorance and insensitivity that is mind boggling. Just for a second imagine the reaction if the word 'fat' was replaced by the word 'black' or 'gay'. There would be an outcry, that is, if those comments would make it past the Mail's moderator, which I doubt very much.

most fat people deserve everything they get, isnt being a glutton a sin?

- frank bull, manchester, United Kingdom, 9/8/2013 5:10

yep that is why I do it.... "You are Ugly" also works..... and for the chicks "I see you have been shopping at thrift shops again"

- bob, China, China, 9/8/2013 7:04

Its amazing to hear how many fat people have a 'Thyroid problem' these days and weird that it was practically unheard of 30 years ago when, funnily enough there were less fat people. The government needs to invest heavily in 'thyroid problem' research and find a cure soon before we're all struck down with acute laziness.

 - Expat Eddie, Sydney, 9/8/2013 7:19 

Some people just can't accept the truth - if they're fat, they're fat! "Fat" is NOT an offensive word nor an insult. Get over yourselves.

- TonyMartin, Berwick, 9/8/2013 7:28

The second story features Emma, a young woman who is a slimming club's slimmer of the year. These sort of stories feature quite regularly in the press, but the headline that grabbed my attention was this:

It appears to make humiliation acceptable. A bit rich from the Mail, seeing as they are also jumping on the bandwagon calling for the ask.fm website to be removed because they believe that cyber bullying has led to children's suicide.

Emma herself describes her experience: 

"I was going to an Asian wedding and I had to get measured for an outfit which was basically a long dress and trousers. The women were measuring me and they said "that can't be right". They couldn't believe I was that size. I was mortified."

No censoring of those women's cruel remark, or how this impacted Emma psychologically. Which brings me to my own experience. A few years ago, I was roughly Emma's weight before she began her weight loss journey. I was suffering from knee pain, something that flares up now and then because of a fall I had over 20 years ago, which resulted in me having surgery and a piece of cartilege removed. Rather than look at my medical history, this doctor assumed that my joints were straining because of the weight I was carrying...ok, I admit that did not help matters. He then told me that if I didn't lose weight I would be a big fat blob by the time I was 60. That's right, he called me a BIG FAT BLOB!!!

I left the surgery in tears, and as soon as I got home, I tried to commit suicide by taking an overdose. The doctor had also ommitted to check my history of mental health issues and suicide attempts before he made that comment. Even thinking back about it now still hurts and brings back feelings of anger.

It did however, trigger me to lose weight. But was this the right approach? If my husband hadn't made me throw up the pills I took that day I wouldn't be here to tell the tale. I would have ended up as a big fat corpse. 

As an end note, we did complain to the surgery about said doctor. It seems that other people had also complained about him, as he is no longer practising there.

Ask fm and the question of censorship

Maybe I am a fuddy duddy but until a few days ago I thought that ask.fm was just a radio station. But then I read this story about a young girl who had apparently committed suicide because of cyber bullying she had received on that site. This has brought up a huge debate over Internet censorship, with calls from politicians and the press for the site to be banned. Politicians from all sides of the political spectrum,  the companies which have pulled adverts from the website and the mainstream media, from the Daily Mail to the Guardian, are quick to place the blame on ask.fm, However, no one knows if this poor child had issues that led her to commit suicide. There is also the fact that increasing pressure is being placed on young girls to look and dress a certain way in order to be accepted by their peers.....but that is a subject for a future post.

Coincidentally, a few weeks ago, the government were talking about bringing stricter controls to our Internet content, something that I totally oppose.I consider myself to be a free thinker and censorship is usually an anathema to me. But having a look at the site in question has made me think.

Trawling through the site I don't really see much evidence of cyber bulling, although I did see instances of insults being traded back and forth, much in the same way as normal playground banter. However, the problem as I see it with ask.fm is not bullying  but rather that this site is a paedophile's wet dream come true.

The site appears to be popular amongst young teenagers of school age. They create a profile with a little bit of information about themselves, add pictures and then invite visitors to the site to ask them anything. The person who asks the questions doesn't necessarily have to have a profile, and this is where the problem lies. Below are some screencaps I just took at random from some profiles so that can see for yourselves.

But how can we, as a society, solve this issue without taking draconian measures? The kid in the second screencap makes the suggestion that anonymous posting should be stopped. That is quite a good suggestion, but in reality, it is extremely easy to set up a fake profile, and even use a proxy server to hide your location. In my opinion, we need to look at how we live our own lives and take responsibility for our own actions and that of our children. Why don't parents monitor what their children get up to online? Or is it much more convenient to let your child loose on the Internet whilst you are watching the latest episode of TOWIE?  I will leave you with that thought.....

How not to get old

Why boob jobs aren't a good idea

I've just watched a programme with the above title. I had read mixed reviews about this, so I thought I would take a look for myself, rather than rely on other people's opinions. So luckily it's still available on 4OD.

Instead of sensible advice for those of us who are of a certain age, it turns out the programme mainly about advice on cosmetic surgery.

First of all, a woman of 28....you read right, it's not a typo. 28

She's had kids and has the obvious stretch marks and loose skin that comes with motherhood. She has no confidence whatsoever. The presenter doesn't do her any favours either, comparing her body to that of a pensioner. The young woman says she can't go to the pool or the beach or make love with the lights on. The obvious advice would be some sort of counselling on body image therapy. But no, the advice is 'the only solution would be surgical' is the answer. This is just sending out the wrong information to other women with the same issue but cannot afford this option (the figure quoted for this lady's procedure is $5,600!!!). Not only because of the financial cost, but also the fact that one of the women interviewed who had the procedure mentioned that she was not able to do any housework for a few weeks. So I guess she was able to afford a cleaner as well.

I can relate to that young woman. It has taken me a long time to accept my stretch marks, but now that I am in my 50s I have the confidence that I never had in my 20s. I have come to terms with my body and realised I am not a freak, it is something that most women who have had children experience. They are our battle scars which tell us that we have been there, done that and worn the t shirt. We are survivors.

But instead of boosting women's self esteem and acceptance, the media does its utmost to portray unrealistic images of women. There is a lot of money to be made in the beauty industry. In the programme, the presenter demonstrates a non-surgical treatment to make one's thighs 'lifted, smooth and youthful'. It costs a whopping £1,600, and it consists of a machine that vacuums away fat cells 'painlessly'. The beautician does mention that you also need to watch your diet and take regular exercise. Don't try this at home with your old vacuum cleaner just in case......

It's not just women featured in the programme. A 41 year old man is self conscious about the bags under his eyes. His partner isn't very supportive, and chips in that even though she is older than him, he looks a lot older than her. In my opinion, he actually looks very normal. Call me old fashioned, but I like my men to look masculine, not like a plastic Ken Doll. Give me Lemmy from Motorhead any day, warts and all!!!

Welcome to my crazy world

I thought it was about time I started blogging about things that are important to me. Stuff that makes me laugh, cry or totally wind me up.

Let's start with the word 'crazy'. The Oxford English dictionary has a number of different meanings for this word, depending on the context on which it is used:

adjective (crazier, craziest)

• 1mad, especially as manifested in wild or aggressive behaviour:Stella went crazy and assaulted a visitora crazy look
•  extremely angry:the noise was driving me crazy
•  foolish:it was crazy to hope that good might come out of this mess

• 2extremely enthusiastic:I’m crazy about Cindy[in combination]:a football-crazy bunch of boys

• 3(of an angle) appearing absurdly out of place or unlikely:the monument leant at a crazy angle
•  archaic (of a ship or building) full of cracks or flaws; unsound.

noun (plural crazies)

chiefly North American

• a mad person:keep that crazy away from me
  

Different emotions are evoked - anger, recklessness, the absurd, insanity, but also fun and love. I guess that just about sums me up. Welcome to my crazy world :)